Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Return To Sender

If I could write a letter to someone that matters to me, one of which I knew the universe had no choice but to deliver, it would probably read something like this...

To Whom it may Consider,

Do me a favor. When you find yourself alone, scared, insecure, & angry at a summer camp you never wanted to go to... just enjoy the fishing. Don't pick on Brad simply because he can't shoot a free throw as well as you. Don't throw that spitball in Ms. Callahan's English class. If you do end up throwing that spitball, don't lie about it and run away to 6th period. She'll find you. Again.

Don't kiss Carolyn with your eyes open. It was your first one. It was worth not seeing. Save any tapes you & your cousin ever record music on. Save the tape that has the weird ghost sounds, too. For good measure.

Don't spit gum in Johanna's hair. Kiss her instead. To hell with Brian and his Norwegian attacker.

Don't fire the bb into the car window at Pizza Hut. Bad move. Make sure you wear the necktie with your t-shirt to the Salem baseball game. Great move.

Make sure you stand up and applaud after seeing Natural Born Killers in the movie theater. Yes, the rest of the folks (including your date) will stare at you. Just go with it.

Don't lie about being born in Romania... you vampire obsessed idiot.

Make sure you motion someone over after watching the movie "Singles" in Salem. Once you have... don't fuck it up.

Confess to Ben that you were the one who shit-bagged his front door, and consequently (albeit accidentally) his doorbell, thereby causing his father to come out at 3AM to clean the gunk out so it would stop ringing. It's shameful to blame it on John. Granted... it was fun to do so. But don't.

Spend as much time with Ben as you possibly can once you graduate. He won't be here forever.

When satellite radio is finally invented and you finally get around to "renting" it... dance around in your boxers to the Hair Nation channel. Often.

If you don't kiss Rhonda in the Goodwill parking lot, I'll never forgive you.

Never. Get. A. Perm. Even if your Mom is a hairdresser and you're in sixth grade in 1986. Defy! Rage & Defy!

Hug Tommy every chance you get.

When your Granddaddy pretends he's going to steal one of your fries at the Dairy Queen in Crewe, Va... let him. He's earned more than your fry, kid. It'll probably put him to sleep again. For good.

Make sure you remember how your Grandfather's voice sounded. Both of them.

You had better tell Nannie you love her every single chance you get. God knows she loves you more than you deserve.

I'm sure you think you're a bottle rocket. Well, you are.

When you get the bright idea to paint a mural on the wall of your newborn daughter's room, don't paint a forest and fountain. Paint the stars above. She'll dig that. Trust me.

Never try to talk Chappy into a river ride on his one man raft. He'll miss throwing you the life line, you'll miss catching it, and you'll both end up losing the raft. Thankfully, not your lives.

Never tell your Mother any of this.

Love more often than you Hate. Live more often than you Die. Believe in yourself more often than you do Not.

And one final request...

Dude... Chill Out. Just breathe. Say "So Be It"... again.

Mean it... as Usual.

The sun will still rise.


P.S. You'd be wise to mark this letter "Return to Sender".

P.P.S. Laugh at people who use P.P.S. It's hilarious.

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