Friday, March 11, 2011

Tomorrow Bleeds

One day, not far off, you're going to ask me that question. You're going to ask me that question that I have feared since September 5th, 2009.

You're going to ask me why I Went.

One day you'll love someone so much that you can't breath. It'll probably happen often. It'll probably happen so often that eventually you'll think yourself a fool. And you will be one. But there isn't anything wrong with that.

Your Father has always been far too emotional. He's always had too much of that drug dumped into his veins. He's always wrapped himself around the pulse that passion pushes through. It's one of his many, many, faults. He clings when he should release, he recalls when he should forget, he hopes when he should not.

I would love to consider it a character flaw but I don't actually think it is. I think it's an attribute that hasn't found its way to the surface just yet. Or maybe I personify it with that very sentiment.

I'll stand guilty of that. It feels wrong not to.

I Went because I wouldn't have been a very good Dad if I'd stayed.

If I believed in a soul, I would have sold mine so very long ago. I'd have sold it for the life of a house fly. One that buzzes around your room. One who lights on your wall and watches you live.

I became brittle. I'm stronger now.

I have more good days than I do bad. That's the motion of the child learning to walk again. That's the flow of your Father's river.

Beautiful People who come into my life, I push away. I let fear define my hope. That's a sin that your bible never mentioned. But I'm working on it.

I think I'm winning.

When the nights get cold and I find loneliness, or loneliness finds me, I have two pictures that look at me. I fall asleep with them beside my head. 4 eyes, 2 heads.

I never thought it would take me this long. I never dreamed I would let yesterday define my today in such a manner. Tomorrow bleeds through, though.

Tomorrow bleeds through.

In the end... we Win.

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